Vulnerability As A Gateway To Freedom

Vulnerability - at times you challenge me. And yet - you are my pathway to freedom: Embracing you allows me to be with all there is without needing to shy away from anything. I wrote a poem about you:


Vulnerability, I long for you, invite you in, I want you.
It's my deep desire to open up. You connect me within.

And then you show up, unexpected, in the middle of my day,
in a conversation, right at the doctors office. 
And you scare me, as I again and again feel on the brink
of losing control by allowing you to be around.

What is vulnerability, what is surrender, and what is the difference to falling apart?
Melting, opening up - sounds so romantic, clean.
And it all just feels a little bit messier than that to me.
Like mascara - not on my eye lashes, but down my cheeks...

I used to be proud of holding it all together,
to easily manage and handle all these things and situations, competent, smart and easy-going. 

And all of a sudden here I am, in the middle of the day and the middle of the city, 
pretending to look at things in the windows of stores,
yet all of a sudden feeling utterly vulnerable and exposed, unprotected,
as tears are pouring down my cheeks
and I am longing for a sheltered hide-away spot, for a dark cave to roll up in.

Scared. Ashamed. For my softness. For things mattering too much. For needing support and protection.
For the depth of my caring, for my Love. 

And I am feeling deeply alive!

I do welcome you, vulnerability. And you require all my courage. You scare me, at times it feels like dying - and at the same time I so want to give myself to the river, want to be taken over.

And on this edge, me holding on to -something!- while longing to free-fall, I begin to write again...



I surrender ... 

(... and isn´t resistance futile anyway?)